The Sephiroth and Kuja Show 2
by nickbrown
Summary: The sequel! You mean they did it again? What are they, nuts or something? The dynamic duo continue their conquest of the airwaves...


I got bored. I decided to write a sequel (WITH SIMON) Hopefully this is as good if not slightly better.  
  
Reading and Replying are two things you can do to help save the rainforest, kill the hippies and stop Bill Gates starring in another episode of Fraiser.  
  
They said it was a unique one-off....they lied.....With the help of a tub of mithril, 15 wendigos and a a secret boss it's...  
  
The Sephiroth and Kujaaaaaaaaaaa Show!  
  
(We join the same small studio as last time, cleared up from last time.)  
  
Announcer: Let's welcome our hosts...the leader of evil, the master of darkness Sephiroth,  
  
(Sephiroth enters wearing his usual leather garb and stupid long sword.)  
  
Announcer: And his co-host, the snatcher of babies' candy, Kujaaaaaaa!  
  
(Kuja comes in wearing his 'trance' outfit. He waves excitedly to the studio audience before sitting down next to his co-presenter.)  
  
Sephiroth: Welcome to today's fun packed show. We're sure you'll enjoy it. And if you don't...  
  
Kuja: We'll make it even better! I feel great today! I've just finished my therapy and life is good!  
  
Sephiroth: Why were you in therapy?  
  
Kuja: Ohh, you know that whole 'If I can't live then no-one else should be able to as well' thing. A dilly of a pickle there eh?  
  
Sephiroth: Quite. Why didn't you just kill everyone? Worked for me...  
  
Kuja: Well I decided it would be much better if I destroyed that groovy looking crystal that was behind me.  
  
Sephiroth: You really are pathetic. You know that?  
  
Kuja: You flatter me! But oooh we must get on, we have sooo much to get through in today's show! We have another up-and-coming band, more battles and stuff and don't forget we're expecting a visit from some special people for our Fake Magic slot...  
  
Sephiroth: But let's start by looking at today's fashion trends in what we like to call....MOGS WITH TOGS  
  
(A line of mogs walk out onto a catwalk. Each wearing a different set of clothes.)  
  
Kuja: Here we have the chocobo skin style one strap pashmina one-set. Very in, very niche, very now, very kweeeeh!  
  
Sephiroth: Here's a style I think will be become very popular in the near future.  
  
(Sephiroth summons a small fireball and shoots it at a near-by mog which engulfed by the flame and screams in pain as it combusts. Spehiroth laughs cruelly whilst Kuja tuts.)  
  
Kuja: You have no taste!  
  
Sephiroth: What can I say? I got bored. Let's give a warm round of unwelcome applause to today's special guest: Necron!!  
  
*Flashes as a huge guy surrounded by many rings and wearing a hockey mask walks into the room*  
  
*Kuja turns a bright shade of green*  
  
Sephiroth: (mockingly) Jealous are we Kuja?  
  
Kuja: Hmph  
  
*Kuja stomps off to a corner, and sulks*  
  
Sephiroth: So Necron, sit down  
  
*Sephiroth indicates a chair*  
  
Necron: I can't sit, I have no legs  
  
Sephiroth: How did you WALK in then??  
  
Necron: I didn't, you just thought I did!! I floated  
  
Sephiroth: Anyway, we all know you're the most evil bad guy in Final Fantasy IX  
  
Kuja: *sobs* No he's not, I am!!  
  
Necron: WHAT!?  
  
Kuja: You don't make an appearance until the very end!!! I'm there throughout most of the game *sob*  
  
Necron: I am the definition of evil, all will bow before me  
  
Sephiroth: But, you're trying to kill them all, how can they bow before you?  
  
Necron: Do not oppose me mortal fool!!  
  
Sephiroth: I'm not mortal, my mother is Jenova you know  
  
Kuja: Who?  
  
Sephiroth: You know, the strange mutated freak being that appears throughout my game and does all my evil bidding instead of me!  
  
Kuja: Oh, your minion, for a moment there I thought you said mother  
  
Sephiroth: I did!  
  
Necron: I do not have a mother!! I am immortal!!  
  
Sephiroth: Well, so am I  
  
Kuja: But didn't you die at the end of your game?  
  
Sephiroth: Yesssssssss............but I had a Pheonix Down handy, it was the only one around when I killed Aeris, which explains why she didn't come back to life  
  
Cloud: Heyyyyyyyyyy........I had Phoenix Downs  
  
Sephiroth: But where were they then.......baka!!  
  
(AN: Baka is Japanese for idiot/fool)  
  
(AN: Nicholas wonders why Sephiroth is speaking Japanese. Must be influnce of Simon)  
  
Necron: You try my patience. Now you will both die.  
  
Kuja: I want to be a mother one day.  
  
(Necron launches a powerful Thunder3 at Kuja and Sephiroth takes the damage himself to protect Kuja.)  
  
Kuja: Spehiroth! You did that for....me?  
  
Sephiroth: What is this? Compassion? Care? Emotion? What...have..I...become....!?  
  
(Sephiroth brushes Kuja off in a fit of rage and plunges his stupidly long sword into the chest of Necron, killing him. Instead of a spectacular dying scene, he/she/it just slumps over and dies. Kuja is lying in a heap of chairs and other set stuff.)  
  
Kuja: Hpmh, I wanted to kill him!!  
  
Sephiroth: Well, they'll have to cut that out in the dubbed version!!  
  
Kuja: Moving on.....as you all know, last show we had Wheel of Evil, but unfortunately, that was unsuccessful, so we have chosen a new game interlude, it's........  
  
Sephiroth: Who wants to be a Gilionnaire!!!!!!  
  
Kuja: I shall be the quizmaster, on with the game!  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, you're not delaying enough to be the quizmaster, I should be!!  
  
Kuja: I managed to keep "The Crystal" secret all the way through the game, I think I'm delaying enough!  
  
Sephiroth: Fine......  
  
Kuja: Todays players, we have Yuffie Kisaragi, from Wutai  
  
(Yuffie smiles and waves at the camera)  
  
Kuja: Rinoa Hartilly, from Timber  
  
(The camera focuses on Rinoa, and she blushes, looks downwards, then back up, and waves at the camera)  
  
Kuja: And our final contestant, Adelbert Steiner, from Alexandria  
  
(Steiner smiles, and waves)  
  
Kuja: For our first question, it's fastest fingers first remember!  
  
Put these things in order of cuteness....A) A moogle B) A mog C) A chocobo and D) ME!  
  
( A small timer appears in the top corner of the screen and annoying 'tick-tock against the clock' music plays in the background. The contestants bash their pads rapidly trying to get the answers in the right order.)  
  
Kuja: Ok, let's see what those right answers were: of course the least cute is D) the chocobo, followed by B) the mog, the moogle A) comes close second but the cutest of all is me C). Now lets see who got those in the right order.  
  
(Yuffie and Rinao's stands light up, both look very pleased.)  
  
Kuja: Ok, who got there in the fastest time?  
  
(Yuffie's stand lights up but Sephiroth casts Slow on her, disqualifying her from the game.)  
  
Sephiroth: *mutters* Stupid materia theif.  
  
Kuja: O...k..someone's got a gruuddgge. Well I suppose Rinao Heatilly you are todays contestant, come and join me as you have your chance to become a Gillionaire!  
  
(Spotlights focus on the centre of the stage where Rinoa and Kuja sit.)  
  
Kuja: Rinoa, leader of the Timber Owls, friend of the SeeD's and girlfriend to Squall. Excellent taste I must say. Don't you love the whole leather thing he does?  
  
(Rinoa smiles but shifts uncomfortably.)  
  
Kuja: Anyway here's our first question for 100 Gil!  
  
Which of my evil plans is the most fiendishly cunning?  
  
A) Trapping Zidane and his friends  
B) Trying to control the crystal  
C) Wanting to merge the two worlds so Terra will be destroyed  
D) Not tipping the waiter at the Moshi Moshi Sushi Bar  
  
Rinoa: Er...ok. Let's see. Trapping Zidane's friends was pretty sweet but they did escape, no-one 'got' the crystal. The world merging was just plain idiotic and that forth one is a lie becuase the Moshi Moshi Sushi Bar closed down years ago. Therefore I say none of them.  
  
Sephiroth: ...is the right answer!  
  
(Kuja looks distraught at Rinoa's answer but tries to stay calm.)  
  
Kuja: Ok, ok, well done. Second question now:  
  
Which part of my appearance is most beautiful?  
  
A) My waif like body shape  
B) My firey flowing locks of red hair  
C) My beautiful taste in elaborate clothes  
D) My super cool uber-boss music  
  
(We cut to Sephiroth standing in front of a black board.)  
  
Sephiroth: Hey you! Yes you! Have you ever wanted to rule the World, hold a powerful leader to ransom, start an underground smuggling ring or even try to destroy the Human race? If so, why not enrole in ymseries of lectures here at the University of Dibolica Deeds and Evil Repocussions (UDDER)?   
  
We have a whole series of classes to suit everyone including: Regicide! Criminal Masterminds: What to wear! Hired Goons the pros and cons! How to steal a powerful nuclear missile! Card Tricks: The Basics! Evil HQ Real Estate - Unlocking the capital! and many many more.  
  
Enrole now and you can bribe me early and receive your diploma in just a week's time! Yes a week! Soon you will be the envy of your friends, and well, everyone else as well.  
  
Don't forget, join now and my Special CD of Evil Tunes is yours absolutely free! What better soundtrack to put you in the mood than such hits as: Burn Baby Burn, Light my Fire, I'm Destorying the World and YMCA. (Featured Darth Vader bonus track.)  
  
UDDER - You'll never know you had it in you....until you have it painfully removed and shown to you in a glass jar.  
  
We now return you to your broadcast.  
  
(We return to the studio where Kuja and Rinoa both look tired and tense.)  
  
Kuja: Ok, question 14, the penultimate question. You still have all three lifelines. Here it is:  
  
What do little ethnic minority dwarf people always say in computer games?  
  
A) Tally Ho!  
B) Bally Hoo!  
C) Rally Ho!  
D) Hi ho! Hi ho!  
  
Rinoa: Ah, er I think I'll ask the audience.  
  
Kuja: Ok audience....press your keypads now.  
  
Sephiroth: *whispers* Kuja, our audience are mindless drones. They have no free will.  
  
Kuaj: What??  
  
Sephiroth: Look, audience! You are under my control! You will all bow down and respect me as your new leader.  
  
Audience: All hail!  
  
Kuja: Ah, I see what you mean.  
  
Spehiroth: You will only listen to me.  
  
Audience: Only to you.  
  
Sephiroth: You will not eat any vegetables again.  
  
Audience: Down with vegetables.  
  
Kuja: Stop that! Er, Rinoa I don't think we have an audience for you to ask. Just SEE what happens.  
  
Rinoa: I'll go with C then.  
  
Kuja: Correct!  
  
Sephiroth: Darn it.  
  
Kuja: Now it's time for the final question! This one is for a million Gil! You have 2 lifelines remaining....here we go...  
  
How much money would you bribe me to win?  
  
A) 1 gil  
B) 1000 gil  
C) 100,000 gil  
D) 1,000,000 gil  
  
Rinoa: What kind of question is this? This is stupid. Oh, if only Squall were here to help me.  
  
Kuja: Yeah if only Squall was here.  
  
Rinoa: I want to phone a friend.  
  
Kuja: I'm guessing you want to phone Squall. Let's see if we can hook you up, I mean connect you with him.  
  
(RING RING, RING RING)  
  
Squall: Hello, Squall here. I didn't ask for this you know. If I could give it all back I would. I just feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm sorry I'm having a bad day, leave your message after the beep.  
  
(BEEP)  
  
Kuja: Ah, ok. Let's try someone else.  
  
(RING RING, RING RING)  
  
Spehiroth (doing a bad Zell impression): ER, yeah hi there. Zell here booya!  
  
Rinoa: Hi Zell, it's Rinoa here on Who Wants to be a Gillionaire? Are you alright, you sound odd.  
  
Spehiroth: I'm er wicked cool you know? What can I do for you man?  
  
(Rinoa repeats above question in brackets so Nick doesn't have to type it out again.)  
  
Sephiroth: OH, yeah rad man. I'd definately say D man. Booya! You know? Yeah D. Awesome dude.  
  
Rinoa: Ok, thanks Zell. Keep away from pills.  
  
Kuja: Your answer?  
  
Rinoa: I think I'll go 50/50.  
  
Kuja: Computer, please remove the right answer and one wrong answer...  
  
Rinoa: Actually I'd like to choose D please  
  
Kuaj: D....ok....that's...........  
  
........  
  
..  
  
  
.  
  
  
...the right answer!!  
  
Rinoa: Hooray!  
  
Sephiroth: And through the miracle of internet banking, the money's already in my account! Now back to the studio!  
  
(End of hilarious segment)  
  
Kuja: That's funny. How was Rinoa able to phone Zell when we killed his character off last episode?  
  
Sephiroth: Don't look at me, I'm only here to announce that it's time for KILL CID!  
  
(Ta da!)  
  
Cid: $*%&  
  
Spehiroth: That's right! It's time to decide wether Cid shuffles off this mortal coil, licks the bucket, pushes up the daisies or whether he lives.  
  
And today's Cid is Headmaster Cid from Balamb Garden. And the challenger.....Vincent the vampire!?  
  
Vicent: Hello son.  
  
Sephiroth: What?  
  
Vincent: I am your father.  
  
Sephiroth: Nooooooooooooo  
  
Vincent: Yes son.  
  
Sephiroth: But you're...you're a secret character! You only exist in caves and strategy guides. You don't even get your own FMV!  
  
Vincent: Yes, we thought it'd be best not to tell you. You'd get bullied at School or something.  
  
Sephiroth: I'm...speechless.  
  
Kuja: Wow, it's like Jerry Springer. Hey, Mr. Roth, like the cape thing. Very Batman.  
  
Vincent: Get the hell away from me.  
  
Kuja: Vote now people!  
  
(Buttons are pushed, lights flash, etc.)  
  
It has been decided! Say good bye to...Headmaster Cid!  
  
(Sephiroth and Kuja look over to see a note left on the floor...  
  
Dear All,  
  
I have an awful secret that just had to come out. I'm even lower than a special character, lower than a cute but meaningless animal, I'm not even a sub-boss. I'm a...plot element.  
  
I simply can not take it any more. Good bye.  
  
Cid)  
  
Sephiroth: He killed himself so we didn't have to. How cowardly.  
  
Kuja: But strangely poetic.  
  
(Off screen...)  
  
Director: Geez, this material is weak!  
  
Assistant: I blame Nick personally.  
  
Director: Hey, don't be so quick to place blame on anybody! Nick is a damn talented author.   
  
Assistant: But still, What about Simon?  
  
Director: What about him? He just gets everyone to talk *like this* and uses Japanese to confuse everyone else.  
  
Assistant: But Japan is the origin of....  
  
Director: *cough*world up*cough*  
  
Assistant: I quit.  
  
Director: You're fired.  
  
(Back on stage.)  
  
Kuja: It gives me a great tingly pleasure to introduce to you our musical act, all the way from Galbadia it's Julia, the girl in the red dress in the bar playing the piano.  
  
(Audience clap appreciatively)  
  
Julia:  
  
#I am not important right now  
So should see through my cheap gimmick  
I'm just a dappy cow  
If I choke you wouldn't give me a heimlich#  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Kuja: Argh! She's awful! Who books this crap?  
  
Don Corneo: I do!  
  
Sephiroth: Wow! It's the Don! The man who brought illicit sex trade to Midgar and set up the hilarious cross-dressing escapade!  
  
Kuja: Yeah, where Cloud wore a dress. I knew it!  
  
Don Corneo: Y..  
  
Kuja: What kind of dress was it? Was it all pink and flowery? Did he go for the low cut or the...  
  
Don Corneo: I'm...going to go now....bye...  
  
(Runs off into the distance.)  
  
Kuja: But.....I want to wear a dress too....  
  
Sephiroth: There there Kuja. There are plenty of other ways to get humiliated publicly. And one of those ways is in our FAKE MAGIC slot!  
  
Kuja: Goody!  
  
Sephiroth: So who do we have this week?  
  
Kuja: I don't know, they haven't arrived yet...  
  
(Nervous glances..)  
  
Usagi: For love and justice, the pretty sailor suited soldier, Sailor Moon!  
  
Kuja: We were warned about this, weren't we?  
  
ChibiUsa: Sailor Chibi-Moon!  
  
Usagi and ChibiUsa: In the name of the Moon, we'll punish you!!  
  
*Sephiroth and Kuja roll their eyes*  
  
Sephiroth: Welcome, Sailor Senshi  
  
Ami: Also, Sailor Mercury!  
  
Rei: Also, Sailor Mars!  
  
Makoto: Also, Sailor Jupiter!  
  
Minako: Also, Sailor Venus!  
  
Kuja: Look, do you really have to do this??  
  
Haruka: Arriving with the new age, here I am, appearing beautifully, Sailor Uranus!  
  
Michiru: Also, here I am, appearing gracefully, Sailor Neptune!  
  
Setsuna: The guardian of time, Cronus is my deity, I have the power of Pluto, Sailor Pluto!  
  
Sephiroth: STOP!!  
  
*The 13 Senshi stop what they are saying, and take their seats*  
  
Kuja: So, Sailor Moon, you believe you have "magic"  
  
Moon: This isn't magic, this is planet power!  
  
Sephiroth: Bring in the test dummy!!  
  
*The same line of mogs from before walk in*  
  
Kuja: Go, one each!  
  
*The Senshi stand opposite the mogs, and ready their attacks*  
  
Sephiroth: Director, where are our mogs?  
  
Director (faded voice): We don't have any! But, I have someone, for you to use  
  
*The fired assistant from before enters and stands alongside the mogs*  
  
Kuja: One by one, we'll see how you do...  
  
Sephiroth: Starting with Sailor Star Healer...  
  
Star Healer: Star....Sensitive....Inferno!!!  
  
*The move fails, because, at the last minute, Star Healer realises she's missing her star thing that performs the move*  
  
Star Fighter: Hey, did you steal our star things?  
  
Kuja: Sephiroth, you are a devil!  
  
Sephiroth: I know!  
  
*The Senshi all turn towards Sephiroth and Kuja*  
  
Kuja: Seph, are they meant to do this?  
  
*Kuja grabs Sephiroth's arm*  
  
Sephiroth: I will fight you all, you shall never defeat me!!  
  
Moon: He has a sword!! All of our enemies can be defeated with a pole, how will we cope, against a.....sword!!!  
  
Kuja: Yeah, go Seph!!  
  
Sephiroth: Who's first?  
  
Moon: Me! Through the power of love, friendship and justice, I shall defeat you!!  
  
Kuja: Never, love never triumphs, my beloved Ziddy...he went with...  
  
*Kuja sobs*  
  
Kuja: That beastly Garnet, I'm so much prettier than her!  
  
Sephiroth: For the honour of....I don't know, for nothing, I will slay you all!!  
  
Director: No, don't!! It'll ruin the floor!!  
  
Juptier: I'll clean! I like cleaning, because I live alone, and I'm 15. I especially for handsome looking men like you  
  
*Jupiter bats her eyelashes at Kuja*  
  
Kuja: Excuuuuuuuuse me, you're a girl!!  
  
Jupiter: Only on the outside....  
  
Sephiroth: Look, how about you let us win and in return we'll teach you the secret of 'getting popular in mainstream America'.  
  
Moon: Woo! With the adorbale furriness of kittens and..  
  
Sephiroth: Uh uh uh. You've got to stop that stupid takling stuff. No-one likes that anymore...here come with me and let wuss here run the rest of the show.  
  
By the way, woohoo we win!  
  
Kuja: Yippee!  
  
(Sephiroth and his new recruits leave Kuja on his own)  
  
Kuja: Ok, well now we have another star guest with us today. He's the star student of Balamb Garden, high ranked SeeD and general arse-kicker...Squall Leonheart!  
  
(Squall walks on stage looking deeply sombre. He walks over briskly and takes a seat next to Kuja.)  
  
Kuja: Well hello there Squall. Nice gunsword you got there, hope it doesn't discharge or anything....  
  
(Silence)  
  
Kuja:...becuase that would be fuuny. I mena what with your furry leather coat...and gloves.....  
  
(Silence)  
  
Kuja: Well there's no need to use the silent treatment on me. Why don't you just open up a lil' bit?   
  
Squall: What?  
  
Kuja: Ok, let's work from there. Squall you were brought up in an orphanage, every one you every loved was taken away from you. You were forced into positions of leadership and responisbility without consent where you and your friends lives were at stake. Despite your resentment of your position you were forced to make decisions, save the world and be back for tea. So, tell me, how do you feel.  
  
Squall: I...I...(breaks into tears) I can't take it any more.  
  
Kuja: There there. Let it all out.  
  
Squall: It's just not fair.   
  
Kuja: It's ok, look how about a happy hug?  
  
(Kuja hugs Squall, and seems to be enjoying it slightly too much.)  
  
Kuja: Look, just go backstage ok? And turn that frown upside down!  
  
(Squall blubs and runs off stage. Meanwhile Sephiroth walks back on stage.)  
  
Sephiroth: Another one runs away in tears. Kuja, what did I tell you about hugging guests? You probably ruined the entire segment. Damn you...DAMN YOU! Anyway sit back and learn as with the help of some dry ice, a very efficient wardrobe department and my new brainwashing technique I present to you...the new, improved...Sailor Senshi!!  
  
Moon: For impossible world peace, here I am, Sailor Moon! With the rest of my allies, I'll defeat you!!  
  
Jupiter: Psst...we have to argue!!  
  
Venus: No, we don't, but, we shouldn't!!  
  
Mercury: We're here to defeat all evil! But, we shall do that by killing everyone!!  
  
Uranus: Where's the monster?  
  
Kuja: Sephiroth, what did you do to them??  
  
Sephiroth: Simple, I made them "Americanised"  
  
Kuja: Uh....huh.   
  
Moon: Look, this isn't working is it? Shall we go girls?  
  
Pluto: Yes, let's go  
  
Kuja: Look, our guests are leaving!!  
  
Sephiroth: Good, I couldn't wait to get rid of them, do you know what they tried to do to me backstage?  
  
*Kuja rolls his eyes*  
  
Sephiroth: They tried to....they tried to....sob...  
  
Kuja: Was it the flowers again?  
  
*Sephiroth nods*  
  
Kuja: What's that? Oh, that's all we've got time for folks...  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, well, we'll be back...hopefully. And we're never going to have more fiends like them again!  
  
Kuja: Look out for our special...S&K do FFX!  
  
Sephiroth: Amateur, you're not meant to tell them about our special!!  
  
Kuja: Why?  
  
Sephiroth: Look, you've delayed so much, that the next users of the studio are here!  
  
*The cast of Chrono Trigger walk through the doors, each wearing a huge clock on their fronts, but, the rearmost character falls over, creating a domino effect, all of the cast are then sprawled over the floor*  
  
Kuja: AHEM! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
  
Sephiroth: Honestly, some people! AMETUERS!  
  
Director: Well thank Yevon that's over. I can't wait to see the Neilsen ratings for that episode.  
  
-------  
  
Combined effort of Nick and Simon 


End file.
